Harry Potter and the OffGreen Kerosene Lamp
by CrazedOtaku
Summary: Since it seems to take J.K. Rowling three years to write one book, a friend and I figured that we should write the 6th one for her! R&R Please!
1. The Very Worst Army Draft

Harry Potter  
And the Off-Green Kerosene Lamp  
  
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Chapter One - The Chapter that Doesn't Start with Harry's Worst Birthday, but Instead Starts with being drafted into the Army and some Dog Repainting  
the House Yellow.....Sorta.....  
  
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Harry Potter was sitting on the front step of number 4 Privet Drive, burning the Iraqi flag, when Uncle Vernon came storming out of the front door and grabbed him by the collar of his over-sized t-shirt. "POTTER!!" he yelled, "Get in the house right now!!" Harry wondered exactly what he had been doing wrong this time, and pointedly told his uncle that he was not using his wand to burn the flag. "That's beside the point, Potter!" He shoved the boy up the stairway, and into the small excuse for a room he was so graciously given. "It's another one of those damn letters!!" Harry sighed. What could he have done now? As he sat there in the darkness, he pondered ways he could have screwed up and got the Ministry on his tail again. Well, it could have been the time he raped Cho Chang, but that didn't seem too bad at the time. It could have been the time he turned Ron's underwear into a giant sticky pink web of bubblegum (and then had to help peel it off), or maybe it was the large welt he zapped onto Dumbledork's butt. But, he would never really know until he received the letter that was sent to him. Suddenly a large envelope collided with his leg and gave him the one paper cut to rule them all. "OW!" Ignoring the pain in his nearly severed leg, Harry ripped open the envelope and was met with a very official looking document.  
  
Dear Mr. Potter,  
We are not pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, because frankly that is  
not what this letter is about. We are pleased to inform you, however,  
that you have been drafted into the Royal British Army. You will be  
sent to risk your life, sanity, and possibly virginity to protect your  
honor and country, well, mostly your country in the front lines in  
Iraq, damn you! Please report to Platform 9 6/8 at Kings Cross Station  
so you can be transported to Camp Uppyersahole immediately. Thank you  
for your cooperation.  
  
With all due respect,  
  
Tony Blair  
  
"Well that's a pisser..." thought Harry aloud, "I'm only 16!" "Dinner time!" came Aunt Petunia's voice as she pounded on the doorway. Harry opened the door and was handed a dog bowl full of frozen minestrone soup and a fork. "I took the liberty of making it above 0° for you." Well, that was very gracious of Aunt Petunia, seeing as how it's usually somewhere below that. So he grabbed his fork and started eating the chunks of icy cold whatever it was inside the soup, when a white something flew through the open window and collided with his head. The boy fell off the bed and sent the frozen remains of his dinner rolling across the floor. He sat up and pried the thing off his head and found that it was a small, plush-like dog. It promptly turned into a small plush-like man and started hacking away at Harry's nose with a small, plush-like sword. Hah! You all thought it was gonna be the owl!! Suddenly a sickly sweet girl's voice floated up through the open window. "Sesshy-sama...where are you?!" The small, plush-like man jumped off of Harry and went over to the open window. It stood up on the window sill and looked out, then squeaked in dismay and dove under Harry's bed. Harry walked over to the window to see a tall blonde girl, dressed mostly in green, standing outside the Dursley's house. She looked about thirteen...or fourteen...and Harry waved to her. "Hey! You!" She looked up and waved back. "Hello odd looking pale kid with large glasses! Have you seen Sesshomaru?" "Sesshoma...who?" "Fluffy-sama!!" "Katie, what are you doing? Quit socializing with the locals!! We have to get more gas for this thing!! Hey, kid, do you have a computer?" Harry looked over, even more confused, and saw a shorter girl with freakishly long brown hair and glasses. She was wearing a jean jacket, had a motorcycle helmet tucked under one arm, and was leaning on a bright red American Chopper. "What's a computer?" Harry leaned out his window to get a better look at the best damn American Chopper this side of the Atlantic Ocean. "Oh great, I will never get this thing sold!" The girl rolled her eyes "Say good-bye to the shit load of money we planned to get. And I have to get rid of it before Malik finds out." Katie laughed, "Hahaha, you're screwed, Elise!!" Elise threw the motorcycle helmet at Katie. It bounced off her head and she collapsed to the ground, looking a little dazed. "Oops, Sesshomaru! Come down here and get her, please!" Elise yelled up to the window "You can't hide from us forever!" "For the last time, what the heck is a Sesshomaru!" Harry shook his fist at Elise, who flipped her hair, and rolled her eyes again. "Duh! The little messed up thing that most likely tried to attack you! He's so predictable!" "Oh" Harry removed the sheets from his bed, so he could see underneath it easier. Then, getting on his hands and knees, he looked around under the grimy, disgusting, and completely messed-up bed. And there, in the corner, was the little puff-ball. "OK, thingy, you're coming out." He grabbed the fluff. But, the little puff-ball went insane, and tried to bite his hand off. He thrashed around his room, with this crazed puff-ball thing on his face, waving his arms and just running and running and running like a constipated wiener dog. And about that time, a little ditty started going through his head, and it went a little something like this. "GAHHHH!! GETTIM OFF ME!! GAH GAH!! GETTIM OFF ME!! AH AHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" So he jumped out the window with this little flesh eating puff-ball attached to his face, and Katie instantaneously grabbed it and brought it into a death grip. "FLUFFYYYYYYYYYY!!" The little puff-ball squeaked and suddenly grew in size until he was about 5'..erm...something. Pretty tall though. Harry was semi-conscious, on the ground, his face half buried in the manure he had spread on the gardens just that morning. A worm crawled into his ear and he screamed like a little school girl, jumped up, and started tugging on his ear, trying to get it out. "Maybe we should help him..." said Elise. "You know, this reminds me of that thing from Animorphs where those slug things called Yeerks crawl inside your ears and take over your BRAINS!!!" Katie bounced up and down while Sesshomaru glared at her. She jumped on him and he fell over. "Umm....right....Anyway, I have to go in search of the nearest computer. Bai!" Elise hopped on the motorcycle and drove away into the sunset, never to be seen again....in this chapter anyway. Harry, now holding the mutilated worm in his hand, reached into his back pocket and whipped out his wand. "Now, who are you?" He took the stand, showing more bravery than he really had "It would be nice if you said your name first" Katie twirled around in the fluffy "boa" that Sesshomaru wore. "Oh wait..." She paused "I think I know you!" "Of course you do! Everyone knows me!" He sighed "I'm---" "MICHEAL JACKSON!!" She shouted, obviously thinking she had it. Cricket chirps rose from the ground as the three stared at each other. "get away from my Fluffy!" Katie shoved the man with extremely long hair back. "Get away you perv!" "huh? What's a Michael Jackson?" He paused for a second "Oh, was he the guy I slept with the other night?" "Gay, was once black, now white, molests little boys, has a wife anyway, tortures his kids, and other stuff we are not paid to say... so we won't say them." Katie shrugged. "So, why are you here again? uh... and who are you!! Tell me!!" Harry was becoming agitated and was poking Katie with his wand. Sesshomaru let out a low growl, and he backed off quick. "Well, I'm the all popular, well known, Katie of the Insane Ones! And this is my dog, Sesshomaru of the Fluff! We go around in a mini-van solving mysteries... oh wait, that's Scooby-Doo... sorry!" She laughed, and crawled up on Sesshomaru's back "Huh? A dog?" Harry thought it was a joke, but he DID see him transform before. And now, he watched like an idiot as Sesshomaru once again transformed, but this time, into a gigantic white and fluffy dog. His fluffy was still connected to his shoulder... and Katie was somewhere buried in it. Just then, Sesshomaru lifted his leg and began to empty the contents of his bladder on the Dursley's house. Of course, Uncle Vernon just happened to come outside through the back door, see Harry there with his wand out-stretched, and get doused with demon dog piss at the same time. "BAD DOG! VERY BAD DOG!" yelled Katie and the two of them disappeared faster than you could blink your eyes. Of course, being blind to everything except Harry, Uncle Vernon freaked out and knocked out Harry with a large rock, then went inside to bitch off to Petunia about what a bastard that Potter boy was and take a very long shower. "Well, look at the bright side" Harry muttered to himself "We now have a large paw-print-shaped swimming pool in our front yard, and now Aunt Petunia can't complain about always wanting a yellow house!" 


	2. Happy Birthday Harry?

Chapter Two - Well, That's the End of Chapter One and the Beginning of Chapter Two and Finally Harry's Most Interestingly Odd Birthday of All (Including the Chapter with almost the Same Subject as in Book Two: The Chamber of Secrets, Except this is not Book Two, it is Book Six.....Sorta.....)  
  
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With no help from his owl, who just contributed to the mess on the front of 4 Privet Drive, Harry was standing on a ladder and scrubbing the last of the dog piss off the front of the house. When finished, he promptly fell off the ladder with exhaustion, as the Dursley's had not allowed Harry to eat, sleep, or do any other necessary things until the house was white again. Even though Aunt Petunia really like it yellow, none of the family or their neighbors could stand the stench radiating off the house.  
  
"I'm gonna kill that freaking girl and her freaking dog when they show up again..." Harry swore, then zonked out into a dead faint.  
  
When he woke up, it was semi-dark outside, and Harry swore he could hear little voices whispering nearby. Still groggy and half-asleep, Harry wondered if the Lucky Charms leprechaun had finally come to life and was searching for his cereal. . .  
  
"They're in the pantry in the kitchen..." Harry said.  
  
"Huh? What the hell are you talking about?" came a boy's voice  
  
"Oh, it seems he's delirious, according to all my research, and studies." Came the voice of a girl  
  
"Really, all those books make you look fat." Came the boy's voice again  
  
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Harry heard a faint slap, and then a little girlish cry. He finally roused himself enough to see the faint outline of several people, a motorcycle, and something that looked oddly like a pot roast sitting on the front lawn. Someone lit a campfire, and he immediately recognized the two girls and the dog demon from the day before. There was also another four other girls, and five other guys. A girl that looked like she could be the twin of the one with the dog, another girl that looked like she could be the twin of the girl with the motorcycle, and another girl that looked the least menacing of the three and the twin of a girl with short blond hair walked over and presented him with the pot roast, complete with hot pink bow.  
  
"Happy birthday!" they exclaimed.  
  
"The pink bow was my idea!" said the girl with the short blond hair, "I hope you like the color! I'm Ala, by the way."  
  
"I'm Mika." said the girl that looked similar to the one with the dog.  
  
"I'm Era." said the girl who looked just like the motorcycle girl.  
  
Harry took the pot roast with a very odd expression on his face. "Erm...thanks..."  
  
"Eat it or die!" Era suddenly jumped up and grabbed his collar.  
  
"Or die eating it!" laughed Mika.  
  
"Yea, I wouldn't really trust Era's cooking myself," said Ala with a grin.  
  
The party laughed, while Era tried to strangle Harry. But, luckily, A tall boy with short brown hair walked up and grabbed Era by the shoulder, and dragged her back to the outside of the circle "Come on now, miss Era."  
  
"Of course, my Priest Seth!" She smiled up at him. Insert an anime fall tea party here.  
  
Elise slapped her forehead "It's just regular old Seto!" Call him Seto! Stupid Yami..."  
  
"What? I'll kill you!" Era became a hyper rabid monkey  
  
"What? Hell no! Not before I go all rabid Chipmunk on your ass!" Elise pounced on her yami and a dust cloud fight began.  
  
"Wow... I'm betting neither will win." Katie shook her head "They both suck at that kind of stuff." And, she was right, for Seto, and another boy, this one was darker skinned and had Platinum blond hair, came up and grabbed the girls, then pulled them to separate edges of the circle.  
  
"Aw, Malik!" Elise cried "I had her! I was gonna kill her!" She pouted, but didn't stay mad for long, for Malik allowed her to keep HIS motorcycle for another couple of weeks.  
  
"Curse you priest Seth." Era cried "That was mean!"  
  
"Crissakes! I'm SETO!" he yelled  
  
"Shut up, skinny-assed punk! Don't make me come over there!" A boy with long spiky white hair called over, shaking a fist.  
  
"Oh, Bakura, you were always the violent type." Mika rolled her eyes "I'm surprised Ala will even touch you!"  
  
"Hey, you leave her out of this!" he moved closer to Ala, who in return moved closer to him.  
  
"That's a fruity relationship there." Ala's Hikari, Alexis, whispered to Bakura's hikari (who amazingly looked almost exactly like Bakura) Ryou.  
  
"I completely agree." He whispered back in that fake British accent of his  
  
"You people are so completely gay, I tell you!" Mika rolled her eyes, and threw some more kerosene on the fire.  
  
"Put some gasoline on while you're at it." A shadowy figure emerged from the darkness. He had really spiky, platinum blond hair, and resembled Malik a bit.  
  
"Oh! Marik! So glad of you to come!" Mika got up to hug him. "I heard you had some important business to attend to!"  
  
"Uh... yea... right..." He said, hiding the blood-stained Millennium Staff behind his back.  
  
"Grr..." Malik stared at his yami. But, it isn't really his yami. He's really just an emotion that took shape and form after that fateful day when he was a child, but he was still good enough to be considered a yami, so we'll leave it there. "Why did YOU come?" Elise held him back as he tried to spring upon his yami. But, like everyone knew, he would end up getting a scratch, so we don't want that to happen!  
  
"That's really messed up!" Alexis called over "And remember!" Alexis pointed to Ryou's, as well as her's, shirt "Tough guys wear PINK! Gay guys wear Lavender!"  
  
"DIE!!!" Malik threw a rock at Ryou, but Alexis grabbed a wooden bat and hit it back to Malik who took it to the head.  
  
"Aw, poor Malik." Elise stared at him for a couple seconds, then asked "When's dinner?"  
  
"Huh?" Harry was completely confused, this wasn't what J. K. Rowling had in mind. Yes, it was cooler, and funnier, but we had to get back on track here! "Uh, you want pot roast?" deciding that's what they wanted to eat.  
  
Katie picked up a knife and proceeded to cut into the pot roast. It squealed, grew legs, and ran away bleeding meat drippings. Insert the second anime fall tea party here.  
  
"Riiiiight...." said Mika, "I've decided. I'm never ever eating anything Era offers me."  
  
Era glared lightening bolts at her, "I've spent all day over a hot stove, working my ass off to make you guys something to eat? And this is what I get?"  
  
"No," said Marik, "You get this too!"  
  
Marik threw a tomato at Era. It hit her in the face, splattering red juice all over. Elise laughed, because she's an idiot, and threw a potato. It exploded, sending french fries flying everywhere.  
  
"Can I join?" asked Harry.  
  
"Sure!" said Era, "Use your wand and blow their asses half way to Jupiter!!"  
  
A full fledged food fight emerged, and things weren't looking too pretty, when Ryou asked, "Hey, where did all this food come from anyway?"  
  
Cue to the void of conveniences. Everyone sweat-dropped.  
  
"How did we get here?" asked Katie.  
  
"I dunno, but we better get back to England or Harry will miss his blind date!" said Era.  
  
Cue back to 4 Privet Drive.  
  
"Blind date?" asked Harry.  
  
"Yea," said Elise, "It's your birthday present!"  
  
As Mika and Ala prepared dinner from all the vegetable and fruits that were left over from the food fight, Harry ran a possible list of dates through his head. Who could they have set him up with? Well, it could be Cho Chang, but she might not want to go out with him...not after the rape incident...It could be Ginny Weasley, Hermione, Draco Malfoy, Professor McGonagall, Pavarti Patil, or even Nearly Headless Nick for all he knew....  
  
"Nope!! Wrong!!" said Alexis.  
  
"Hey, how can you read my mind?"  
  
"My lawyer says to say 'No Comment'."  
  
"Uh........."  
  
"Dinner's ready!!" Ala said.  
  
Everyone ate a dinner of stir fried vegetables (how they got a pan was beyond me...) and fruit for dessert. Suddenly a bright orange Ford Anglia dropped out of the sky and landed in the street. The door opened.  
  
"Oh good," said Katie, "Your date has arrived!"  
  
Oooh.....who did we pair him up with?! Hehehhe....Review and then maybe I'll tell you!!!  
  
Otaku 


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